The above photo is actually from another episode. Tonight, it was just Kourtney.
Sooo, yeah. Not a big fan of the Kardashians. Let me rephrase that; I go out of my way to let people know how much I dislike, and simply can’t fathom the popularity of the Kardashians. (P.S., hate is a strong word people, and I will actually try to refrain from using it on this blog. Unless I write about Sarah Palin.)
Any who, Kourtney, the oldest and skinniest Kardashian sister, was flying solo on Lopez Tonight, and I figured it would be a good opportunity to write my first running diary for the blog. I should note that I’m steal-err, “borrowing” this concept from Bill Simmons, my biggest writing influence, although he uses it to document sporting events, with witty observations and opinions. My intent is a little more…malicious, but really, I was just curious to see what the Ringo of the Kardashians had to say with the spotlight just on her. Shockingly, the answer is - very little.
-Starts off with George Lopez (who I’ll spare this time) introducing Kourtney as “one of the golden tickets.” Not quite sure what that means. She’s introduced to Katy Perry’s “Firework,” and slowly but surely, the “Poop Culture Axis of Evil” is becoming aligned.
- The apex of the interview actually comes within the first minute or so, when Lopez asks Kourtney about her new show, “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” and why people love it. Her response, “I think people love…[struggles to think why people would genuinely enjoy a show about her and Kim opening a store in New York], I dunno, like we really enjoy ourselves, and I think people can sense that.” I might as well just stop now.
-When discussing the recent controversy over sister Kim’s W magazine photo shoot (in which she gets upset about appearing nude, even though she clearly posed for the photos), Kourtney says, “It was a lot of drama, to get her to the point of being happy.” Translation - They needed a storyline for episode two of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.”
- Throughout the interview, the audience is constantly applauding and laughing at every word uttered by Kourtney, as if Obama or George Clooney was the guest. It was quite the contrary to my reactions - constantly shaking my head and thinking, why the fuck am I doing this.
-Kourtney’s take on the NYC subway system is a little different than all us frustrated commuters: She rode it only once before this new show and had an anxiety attack because the train was “too crowded;” on the show, she bought a “little, card like pass” with Kim (or MetroCard; I know, it’s not like it’s written on it or anything); and actually shared one fare with her sister, because times are tough for the Kardashians on their all-expense paid reality show. I will never bitch about the MTA again.
-A clip of the show, oh joy. Went something like this…Kourtney: (entering a Rolls-Royce with her boyfriend Scott) Wait, what is this? Scott: It’s a Rolls-Royce. Kourtney: Wait…did you buy this car? Scott: Um, yeah. (End scene) The Lopez crowd is now giving a standing ovation.
-I keep forgetting this chick has a kid. Is it just me, or is it pretty despicable for a mother to leave her infant child to shoot a reality TV show, which really serves no vital purpose? Shouldn’t mothers not want to miss a moment of their baby’s first year? Kourtney did take pride in the fact that she didn’t drag the little tike with her while filming, since it just wouldn’t have been right. You know what “would” have been right? Not doing a reality show when you have a baby.
-The crowd starts cheering Kourtney for still breastfeeding past 14 months, while I choke myself with my laptop cord.
-She then goes into an anecdote about 15-year-old kids in the “middle of nowhere” who are still breastfed because they have no food. “It’s like, you’re supposed to be mad at your mom, but then it’s like, I’m hungry!” Don’t worry, it’s almost done.
-George Lopez, who seems like a really nice guy, isn’t deflecting the stupidity as much as he’s fueling it. He’s the ideal interviewer for people like the Kardashians, and as such, will have a long, successful career.
-Interview ends with George Lopez saying “Everything you guys do is great,” referring to the Kardashian Klan. And by “everything” he means “nothing” and by “great” he means “meaningless.” Wait, that’s a double negative. OK Lopez. You win this round.