Poop Culture

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Wed, 22 Feb 2012 12:42:06 -0500

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Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:41:49 -0500

"It was real. Aliens were plugged into me. It was a ‘download situation.’ This was long..."

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 10:45:52 -0400

“It was real. Aliens were plugged into me. It was a ‘download situation.’ This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones…It was like…They downloaded something into me!””

- Sammy Hagar describing his abduction by aliens to MTV. Just may need to read his new book “Red.”

Glee needs to stop existing. Like now.

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 03:09:00 -0500

It’s unfair for me to criticize something so heavily, without actually subjecting myself to it. That’s why earlier tonight, and on a few previous occasions…I force myself to watch Glee.

It’s different than “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” where I know exactly what I’m missing - two nasally airheads pulling lame publicity stunts, for the sake of filling 10 episodes of absolute dross. But with Glee; there’s production value, scripted dialogue, trained actors and singers. So I check in, just to see exactly what it is that I’m missing.

Tonight’s episode confirmed it yet again - absolutely nothing. This show is an albatross of atrocities. It tries so hard to be so many things, and fails miserably at all of them. The show’s running themes - canned musical numbers, tongue-in-cheek dialogue, messages of diversity, teen sexploitation, and “attempted” humor - become entangled like a bundle of wires behind your home entertainment center that are impossible to distinguish. In simplified terms; it’s a mess.

I won’t even bother getting into the musical scenes, which I’ve already compared to “Kidz Bop” albums, in regard to musical achievement. Aside from that, the show is praised for being funny, yet I can’t remember a time I’ve heard so many attempted jokes bomb in succession on an alleged comedy series. Jane Lynch is the only actor on the show with any comedic timing; while the character Brittany on the other hand, has the most irritating, monotone style of speak (with matching glazed facial expression) that I’ve ever had to endure. And apparently her shtick is a favorite of fans.

Worse than anything is the show’s forced/mixed messages. It shoves diversity and sincerity down your throat (like a Glee club made up of every minority possible, or a good looking guy going out with an obese girl, just for the fuck of it), to the point that none of it seems authentic or just; but rather mandated and forced. At the same time, the show still objectifies it’s attractive female characters in skimpy outfits, involving them in either sexual dance performances or sex-driven story lines. Bottom line; Glee still manages an air of superficiality, while having plots about wheelchair bound geeks dating hot cheerleaders.

I got through 30 minutes or so of the show (impressive, I must say), and it’s safe to say I will never watch another episode. I’ve seen enough. And before I go, I’d like to address “two-times in one season” Glee guest star, Gwyneth Paltrow…

STOP. Your constant attempts to be a credible singer only further illustrates the fact that “you cannot sing.” STOP. Your connection to a show that similarly piggybacks the work of other artists (hello Cee Lo) only further illustrates the fact that you are not original. STOP. Any trending music star that sees Gwyneth Paltrow in a 30 feet radius should immediately start running, while yelling, “Help! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow!” and not give her the benefit of the doubt. STOP.

I like to think this blog serves as a guide - to the dawn of the...

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 23:26:00 -0500

I like to think this blog serves as a guide - to the dawn of the “Pop Culture Apocalypse” - and this month, there is new, startling, documented evidence…

Snooki is on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine.

Riding an aluminum rocket.

In what appears to be a diaper.

It’s not like this is the first RS cover offense; most recently, the Glee cast was featured, and last year, they dubbed Black Eyed Peas “the number one reason to be excited about music.” But I can deal with that - one’s the most popular music group, the other the most popular TV show. As much as they both suck.

But Snooki gracing the same cover once immortalized by John Lennon nakedly spooning Yoko Ono represents the total 180 this magazine, and several other once respected media outlets (hello spawn of satan, MTV) have taken. There’s no turning back now. Uneducated skanks from Jersey with zero talent, who always wear slippers, should not be on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. No one would argue that sentence ten years ago. Maybe five.

As a bonus to this post, I just want to add that while looking through Rolling Stone covers online, I stumbled upon this one from 1993, which is so random and unfathomable, I needed to bring it to light. The choice of Snooki is just offensive, but did anyone know that “the Laura Dern” once graced the cover, with the caption, “The Spark in Jurassic Park?” Topless, wearing just a lei and 90’s jean shorts? Still don’t believe me? The evidence is below.

http://tinyurl.com/4pwf2u8

Next week on Californication...

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 01:03:00 -0500

Hank Moody is summonsed to jury duty, in the trial of a reclusive beat novelist; wanted for murdering five people in a Santa Monica Apple Store, during a bourbon and peyotes-induced rage. The temperature in the court’s deliberation room heats up when Hank is the lone “not guilty” hold-out in the otherwise all-female jury panel. And they’re all hot…for justice.

Female Juror #5: Mr. Moody, Lionel Van Ginsburg killed those people in cold blood! You’re clearly sticking up for your fellow alcohol-abusing, chain-smoking, world-hating, cynical author.

Hank: Well, there but for the grace of god go I, ladies. But did i fail to mention that what we are dealing with here is a (unzips pants) - hung jury.

(Guitar riff.)

(All female jurors jaws drop.)

Also in this episode, Hank’s agent Charlie Runkle experiences sexual inadequacy, Runkle’s estranged wife Marcy comes up with more off-putting ways to refer to her vagina, and Karen, the love of Hank’s life, continues to possess man hands and eighties hair. All this and more, on the next episode of Californication…

(FYI, I really enjoyed the first season of Californication, but think it totally jumped the shark by Season 2. It started off as a cool show about a degenerate author, but turned into a modern day “Dream On,” where every episode seems to just inflate David Duchovny’s ego; that every chick wants to have sex with him. Wasn’t this guy in rehab for sex addiction? I wonder what’s fueling his “problem.”)

Kim Kardashian (the inspiration for this blog, more or less)...

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 17:40:00 -0500

Kim Kardashian (the inspiration for this blog, more or less) recently debuted her first ever song “Jam” at Tao in Las Vegas, and played it on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show today. The song is produced by R&B producer The Dream, who’s music cred is sure to take a big blow. (A friend seems to think so did he, compliments of KK.)

Seacrest notes that Kim is “out of her comfort zone,” releasing a single. I disagree - “Jam” is totally in her ‘comfort zone’ of destroying Western civilization. I’m not going to bother dissecting this “massacre of recorded sound” like I did with Britney Spears’ new song, since it’s safe to say it will be universally panned; even by her “fans.”

Still, it’s actually good this song was made. It has a purpose - to be played every morning through loudspeakers at Guantanamo Bay. For that, thank you Kim.

Kids are all standing with their arms...folded...tight.

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 01:33:00 -0500

I almost didn’t write something about the Arcade Fire backlash on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, etc. My Grammys diary was way too ambitious (and long) and now I feel the story is already getting stale. But screw it, I need to defend my favorite multi-instrumentalists from Montreal. Here’s some bullet points on the matter.

- So the story erupted on Twitter, when countless, clueless people asked “Who is Arcade Fire?” or “Who is The Arcade Fire?” or my personal favorite, “Who are the Suburbs?” (Apparently Barbara Streisand announcing the name of the album first, for the category “Best Album,” was just too complicated for some of these simpletons.) Soon enough, the “Who Is Arcade Fire?” Tumblr popped up to expose that most of these people are; (1) teenagers (2) illiterate and (3) the following three celebrities: Rosie O’Donnell, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Tawny Kitaen (the chick from the “Here I Go Again Video” who also beat up her ex-husband, baseball player Steve Finley.) So yeah, I think it’s time I stop losing sleep over this much buzzed blog.

- The basis of these anti-Arcade Fire arguments only further illustrates what’s wrong with the winning formula of pop music; why it has little do with actual talent, and why its fans will never even attempt to embrace a band like Arcade Fire. The arguments (other than just not knowing who they are) include: they have no hit songs, they’re ugly, the play too many instruments, and (I’m not kidding) they don’t have enough Twitter followers. So yeah, these are the priorities for the majority of music fans these days. For the indie-illiterates, wouldn’t a more appropriate response to the win be, “Wow, who are these guys? I gotta check them out.” as opposed to, “What the fuck? Who are these guys that won an award, which has no purpose or effect on my life whatsoever? This makes me inexplicably angry!”

- I’m still a little shocked that so many people don’t know who they are. This is a band that some indie fans intentionally don’t like BECAUSE they are too popular. For fuck’s sake, it’s not like Beach House won Best Album, or even The Black Keys. “The Suburbs” debuted at no. 1! The band has been on Saturday Night Live twice, sold out MSG, and headlines every major music festival they play. But still, to people who are literally hooked up the the IV that is Top 40 music, and won’t dare leave their comfort zone of Rihanna, Katy Perry, Eminem, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga - Arcade Fire doesn’t exist. And when they won Best Album, the IV was pulled out, Bieber juice squirted across their TV screens, and all hell broke lose. “Who is this??? What’s happening?!? Someone hook me back in, please!!!”

- Finally, before Arcade Fire performed their first song, I was very anxious. I was excited yes, but nervous, because I knew this was a HUGE moment for the band, and how the majority of America would be introduced to them (at least live, in my mind at the time). “Month of May” wasn’t such a peculiar choice - it’s the most high-octane song on the album, and the Grammys was trying to sell them as a “rock band.” I really could have done without the flashing lights and BMX helmet cameras, but still, I was nodding my head and enjoying the moment. Nonetheless, I had a feeling America wouldn’t dig it, and was a little bummed. I quickly learned not to care though. A late bloomer to the indie rock scene that emerged over the aughts, I embraced it so quickly and wholeheartedly (going to a bunch of small shows and big festivals) that it really felt like an “us against them” moment. In the end, “us” didn’t win “them” over with arguably our greatest band. Lost causes are better left not fought.

- So that’s it basically. Before this show, many wrote about the merging of mainstream and indie; how the line was blurring. If that was the script, shouldn’t have Arcade Fire’s performance/win been the watershed moment of this cultural shift? If anything, it proved how far apart both sides are. It’s probably better this way. I rather genuinely enjoy and feel the music I’m listening to, where the only major detraction is being called a “hipster” every once in a while. I’ll take that over being strapped to the IV and force-fed. Force-fed every shiny, new pop star with big tits and no brain. Force-fed a pubescent teeny bopper who repeats the most popular, overused word in music history “56 times” in his biggest song. Force-fed every generic rap/sung collaboration and every generic beat its played over. FORCE-FED WILL SMITH’S FUCKING KIDS. To all the Arcade Fire haters, eat that shit up. It’s all yours.

Grammys Running Diary: Who is this band? "The Suburbs?"

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 16:21:00 -0500

I decided to watch the Grammys last night for two reasons; (1) Arcade Fire, one of my favorite bands of the new millennium, was scheduled to perform (and nominated for Best Album), and (2) I figured it would be a live trainwreck of “all things I hate about popular music,” and hence, perfect fodder for a running diary. Considering how everything went down during the telecast, it’s safe to say I was surprised on all fronts. Without giving away my overall impression of the Arcade Fire shocker and the show in general, here is rundown of the evening’s festivities.

-The show opens with a “Grammys mandatory” tribute performance, this year paying homage to Aretha Franklin. Christina Aguilera (undoubtedly thrilled to get a live national TV mulligan, after fudging up the Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl last week) was joined by Jennifer Hudson, Martina McBride, Florence (of the Machine), and Yolanda Adams. I usually don’t care for these tribute medleys, but all these chicks can clearly sing, even though it turned into an annoying “battle of the high notes” by the end. Adams definitely won the “looks most constipated” award. Oh, I didn’t realize this while viewing, but after the vindicating performance, Aguilera totally busted her ass. So that’s amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvJ037b_kLs

-After chewing up 15 minutes of air time, the tribute singers are back! OK, they’re just presenting the award for “Best Pop Duo or Group.” You’d think a victory for Train’s “Hey Soul Sister” would get me riled up, but it beat out Glee’s cover of “Don’t Stop Believing,” so everybody wins. The lead singer makes the first Bieber joke of the evening, and thanks Howard Stern for some reason, but fails to acknowledge that Howie Mandel has joined his band. http://tinyurl.com/4vnd8tc

-Ricky Martin (probably wishing it was ‘99, when he owned the Grammys with “Cup of Life”) introduces Lady Gaga’s performance. I’m thinking maybe this whole cocoon thing was to distract people from the fact that “Born this Way” sounds waaaay too much like “Express Yourself” by Madonna, but apparently everyone knew that already. Aside from that, the usually over-the-top Gaga kinda phoned this one in. Just choreographed backup dancers wearing (and then removing) outfits I like to refer to as “flesh smocks.” http://tinyurl.com/5rfjnr4

-Miranda Lambert (who kind of looks like John McCain’s whorish daughter) performs her Country hit “The House That Built Me.” I don’t hate country, as much as I’m indifferent to it. I kinda just acknowledge it exists and that people love it, like Nascar or the Rodeo. I’m sure these lyrics appeal to somebody, but to me, none of the songs have a distinct melody. It’s like a big genre of interchangeable lyrics over acoustic guitars. Anyway, moving along…

-Lenny Kravitz is out to introduce Muse, but all I can think of is what a babe his daughter Zoe has become. http://tinyurl.com/4mn9nof Muse goes on to perform “Uprising,” their most popular (and in my opinion, worst) single. The band members are all elevated on stage, while some weird theatrics ensue below. (Some masked hooligans smashing TVs and thwarting security.) It’s weird to think that Muse, once a fledgling member of the Brit prog-rock/post-punk revival, is now the world’s biggest arena rock band, but I guess that’s what happens when you incorporate headless and double-guitars into your live show.

-Ryan Seacrest introduces Bruno Mars, B.O.B., and one of my favorite new artists, Janelle Monae out on stage. They do a medley of a performance, in which Bruno’s segment is shown in vintage black & white video. I’m not a big fan of his songs, but it’s hard to hate on Mars and his nostalgic persona, amid a sea of boring and repetitive Hip-Hop infused R&B. Only thing he has to worry about is the shtick growing old too quickly. After Mars, Monae rocked her ass off with a performance of “Cold War.” She was electrifying, and it had all the makings of a star-making performance, though I don’t see much Monae internet buzz this morning. And B.O.B., alleged rapper/singer (he sucks at both), was just awful. Not sure if he really knows how to play guitar (he was strumming along during Monae’s performance), but the following evidence is giving me serious doubts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwWNjgfv2hU&feature=player_detailpage#t=140s

-Eva Longoria introduces Justin Bieber and Usher’s performance, preceded by a video of Biebs auditioning for Usher back in 2007. I think. It was kinda creepy, like a stylish version of Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator. Anywho, Bieber starts off with an acoustic, understated “Baby,” before breaking out into full-on dance mode, with help from…you guessed it, Jaden Smith. Que three shots of Mr. and Mrs. Smith (Will and Jada Pinkett) before we even get to commercial. I’m pretty appalled at this point, but hey, we’re over an hour into the show! (BTW, Bieber has grown roughly five inches…in a week, I assume. It was rough hearing his pubescent voice struggle through puberty.) Usher joins for Super Bowl mulligan No. 2 of the evening, and the performance concludes with a Bieber/Usher dance-off. Is it just me, or did this http://tinyurl.com/4rav8fp remind anyone of this scene http://tinyurl.com/4rvl6t2 from Revenge of the Nerds?

-Paramore and some chick from NCIS (Why not?) present the award for Best Rock Album. Jeff Beck (one of the nominees) looks like he took just enough drugs to get through the entire three hours and 30 minutes of the show http://tinyurl.com/4w8qahn Muse bests the other nominees, comprised of bands from different generations, with totally different sounds, all lumped into the generic category known as “Best Rock Album.” I almost forgot why I stopped watching the Grammys.

-Donnie Wahlberg and Selena Gomez present the award for Best Pop Vocal Album. Gaga wins, and seems genuinely grateful. She’s also wearing a spiked black outfit, with prominent rubber buttcheeks (http://tinyurl.com/4ew58n2), but that really goes without saying. We also get a fourth shot of the Smiths, and this time I realize Kim Kardashian is sitting right next to them; right where Gaga was too. This has to be the best Grammys seat ever for someone with absolutely no talent or connection to music. Congrats Kim, you made it.

-Mumford and Sons and The Avett Brothers perform to appease the folksies. The culmination of the set was Bob Dylan joining them on stage to perform “Maggie’s Farm,” while every musician surrounded the legend with a brigade of string instruments. I know Dylan is a living legend, and this is probably a dream come true for these bands, but the man sounds like he was gargling diarrhea backstage.

-Glee’s Lea Michele and the Packers’ Clay Matthews (with the NFL on Fox theme as their intro, classy) introduce Lady Antebellum. They perform a tribute to Teddy Pendergrass with “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.” Why them? I don’t know. Country and Soul are randomly paired together sometimes at award shows. Also, every time I see Lady Antebellum, I always look closely, and think to myself - is lead singer Hillary Scott hot? I ponder this thought for the remainder of the show.

-The pairing of Kings of Leon and Miley Cyrus to present Country Album of the Year just seems wrong on so many levels. Well, a few levels. Let just say, one of these four at least “joked” about having a four-way with the other three, while they were backstage. Oh, and Lady Antebellum won. (The odds of winning an award, immediately after performing, has to be roughly 95 percent. Which we will see again, later.)

- Jamie Foxx introduces Cee-Lo Green, who if you haven’t had the pleasure to see, was dressed like this (http://tinyurl.com/6jm4uy6). He perform his hit song, “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You.” You could say Cee-Lo’s costume and puppet filled set were totally irrelevant to the song, but it’s hard to argue such hilariousness. Of course, Gwyneth Paltrow had to show up and ruin everything. Why is she allowed to piggyback on this song? She’s getting a free ride from a Glee cameo, and she can’t even sing that well. I feel like Chris Martin is to blame for this.

-Neil Patrick Harris introduces Katy Perry. Yeah, I’m going to speed things up here. She sings on a swing. It goes all the way up in the air. She comes down and finishes with “Teenage Dream in My Skintight Jeans.” The end. Oh, and Nicole Kidman did this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h3eAQAYtSs&feature=player_detailpage#t=264s

-Jon Mayer, Norah Jones, and Keith Urban award Lady Antebellum with Song of the Year for “Need You Now.” On the bright side, “Love the Way You Lie” loses Song of the Year. And I’m continuing to warm up to one Hilary Scott!

-Seth Rogen, looking very disheveled and Jewish, introduces Eminem, Dr. Dre, Rihanna, Adam Levine, Skylar Grey, and whoever else they got back there. After a predictable, boring performance of a song I don’t like (Love the Way You Lie), Eminem is joined by Dre (and Grey) for “I Need a Doctor.” I have to admit, the song wouldn’t be so terrible if the “Dr.” Eminem needed wasn’t so terrible at rapping. Seriously, Dre’s verse on this song is atrocious. And it took him roughly 11 years.

-Jewel and Jon Legend are ready to announce Best New Artist, and as a joke, I wagered one million dollars on Esperanza Spalding. I wish I could have gotten real odds on that…

-I completely phase out during another mandatory staple of the Grammys, the “musical education” portion. Seriously, this thing has to lose a good million viewers every year. Is musical education still such a pertinent issue? This isn’t the days of “Mr. Hollands Opus.” I think this country has other things to worry about. Thanks a lot, Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.

-They get to the “In Memoriam” segment of the show, and aside from snubbing Guru from Gang Starr (they honor ANYONE in this thing), 2010 was a pretty weak year for music deaths. Nice rebound from “2009: The Year of Death.” Seriously, the two most recognizable people were Lena Horn and Solomon Burke, the “King of Rock and Roll Soul.” This actually leads into a pretty amazing tribute performance by Mick Jagger, doing one of Burke’s songs. Jagger, who’s been doing this for six decades now, proves that he’s not human, and that Bob Dylan should probably stop. Also, Jon Mayer looks like he smoked two doobies since the last time he was on stage; roughly 30 minutes ago.http://tinyurl.com/4zk6sxc Mick gets a standing ovation.

- Kris Kristopherson introduces Barbara Streisand, while Jew noises and jokes start flying in my apartment. Also, Jewish moms across the country are glued to their television sets. It’s just all very…Jewish; for the next four and a half minutes.

-Nicki Minaj and Will.i.am (aka, the only Black Eyed Pea shameless enough to show his face) announce the winner for Best Rap Album. Eminem wins…and just looks very angry, all the time. I know it may be counterintuitive to the whole “Recovery” process, but I wish Eminem would come back as Slim Shady. Just for one album. I miss the sadistic, derogatory, drug-crazed version of Eminem. That was the brilliant one.

-Diddy, who appears to be doing a bad Mike Tyson impersonation, introduces Rihanna (for her second performance) and Drake. Rihanna having two performances bothers me, but Rihanna bothers me, so it quickly makes sense. Any who, she is one impressive physical specimen to look at. I swear on my life, in a fair fight outside of a moving vehicle, I would take her over Chris Brown. Any who, her and Drake perform “Oh Na-Na, Wus ma Nem.” Not feeling the performance at all. Lots of style over substance. I think she’s lip-synching.

-Lady Antebellum wins Record of the Year. OK, I think I’ve gone from liking these people to being sick of them. Hilary Scott is beginning to look like a gross pig. OK, I take that back, but I want to note that ?uest Love of the Roots tweeted his displeasure that the word “Antebellum” refers to the Pre-Civil War era south. I just find it amusing that he was curious what Antebellum meant and looked it up, if that was in fact the case.

OK, going to save “All Things Arcade Fire” for one post. Also because this is draining, and not my day job. Need to post smaller things, ugh.

Music Review: Hold It Against Me

Wed, 09 Feb 2011 01:43:00 -0500

So I’ve been seeing a lot of people praising the new Britney Spears single “Hold It Against Me.” I mean, every time she puts out a song there is definitely a buzz going around, but this felt like out of the ordinary praise. Since I’m quite the aspiring music critic (not really), I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to do my first “Poop Culture Music Review.” And here we go!

Yeah, this song is terrible. Not sure if I had any of you fooled there, but listening to this song, I went in with very low expectations and they were all met. Generic pop lyrics? Check. A generic, studio-engineered beat? Check. Britney’s vocals being both bad and irritating? Double check.

I don’t know if listeners are supposed to invest much into lyrics these days, especially with a dance song, but my god, how many times is this opening premise going to be used: female sees a guy she likes across the dance floor, forgives him if she’s coming on too strong, and what do you know, they’re playing her favorite song.

I guess it’s just too hard to resist; rhyming “strong” with “song,” but I really feel like I’ve heard that same shtick, in slightly different words, in a handful of other pop songs. Past the dreadful lyrics, Britney Spears clearly cannot sing, and honestly, she isn’t even trying anymore. She’s more or less whining out the verses, as her voice hits a pestering pitch at the end of every line.

The beat (and overall production) is just another model in the assembly line of glossy, soulless, repetitive, analogous pop hits, currently being spearheaded by Dr. Luke; a German music producer responsible for every popular song by both Katy Perry and Ke$ha, to name a few. New York Mag wrote a glowing feature on him last year, and not once did they throw the “hardball question” we are all taught in Journalism 101; in this case being, “Dr. Luke, why does your music suck so much?”

The worst thing about this song, honestly, is the chorus; which as far as I’m concerned, has been pulled from a bad pick-up line. This isn’t the first time the masterminds behind Britney have used a gimmick to sell one of her songs - we all remember the cleverly titled “If U Seek Amy.” But come on, really? “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?” now has its own anthem? That’s just lazy songwriting, but hey, America is currently eating it up. I think I’m going to pen a pop album with the following song titles…

“I can see myself in your pants”

“Did it hurt? (When you fell from heaven)”

“You’ve been running in my mind”

“The alphabet song: U and I together”

“Hey…somebody farted. Let’s get out of here” (Actually, found that on a website. Just thought it was funny.)

Robyn on Katy Perry: No comment.

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 21:56:00 -0500

While I’m not a huge fan of Swedish pop star Robyn (the photo sequence above isn’t helping her cause), I was still disappointed to hear she was opening up for Katy Perry on some U.S. tour dates. I guess you can chalk that one up more to my strong disdain for Ms. Perry, who I commonly refer to as “Big Jugs McGee.” Nonetheless, it was pretty amusing to read Robyn’s response to some questions about Perry in Time Out New York…

You’re opening for Katy Perry this summer—how did that happen?
I was asked by her to do it and thought it was a good way of getting to know her audience. It’s bigger than mine. [Laughs]

And are you a fan of hers?
You know what? I have to go now. [Giggles]

Really?
Yeah! I do. But it’s nice to talk to you.

Ouchhhh. That is one subtle burn by the Swede.

Halftime Hypocrisy: Why, Slash? Why?

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 17:33:00 -0500

So just last week I kicked things off at Poop Culture with a response to the Glee/Kings of Leon controversy; which also included a war of words between Ryan Murphy (creator of Glee) and Slash (guitar legend, who also turned down the show). In a nutshell; Murphy insulted the musicians for not lending their music to Glee, they defended themselves, Murphy fired back, homophobia accusations started flying, and in the end, Slash managed to stand alone in the rubble. (I like to imagine him playing the solo of November Rain, right now, like in the video.) He played it cool, and remained the iconic rock star we all love. His integrity, intact.

Then yesterday, during a Super Bowl Halftime Show my friends and I were watching for unintentional comedic purposes only; everything changed. The Black Eyed Peas (dressed like Tron, futuristic football players, or my personal fav, Gay X-Men) were doing pretty much what I expected; shouting a medley of their horrible songs into microphones, against a futuristic, over-the-top set design/backdrop. It was all going as planned; their costumes lit up, they danced like idiots, the auto-tune flowed like Gatorade. And then we all heard “Sweet Child O’ Mine” emit from the loudspeakers…

“No Slash, nooo!,” my brother and I repeatedly yelled at the TV. He wasn’t on-screen yet, and we could only hope that our pleas would prevent the unfathomable scenario of Slash joining the Peas on stage. But soon enough, a shadowy figure emerged from a circular pod beneath the surface. Yes, it was Slash, donning his regular leather garb, only this time, with sequins studded all over his signature hat (and guitar strap). As he played the riff that made him a legend, Fergie slithered to his side, and then literally started slithering like Axl Rose, as she belted out the song’s lyrics. And there you had it – a bedazzler’d Slash butchering Guns N’ Roses’ biggest song, with help from the Gay X-Men.

There isn’t much more to say. For anyone (like me) subjected to years of ridicule for defending Guns N’ Roses as a legitimate and (at one time) great band – we all took a big shot in the stomach last night. There was no way for me to defend Slash, without contradicting every awful thing I’ve said about the Black Eyes Peas in recent years. It was checkmate; I couldn’t make a move. And while the Glee controversy was more about an artist getting to choose where their music goes (whether it’s a YES to Volkswagen, or a NO to Glee), Slash’s decision to shun that show, but signup for…whatever that was last night, was…off-putting.

I should note that this isn’t the first Fergie/Slash collaboration. She appeared on his very forgettable solo album last year, which I assume most people either forgot or didn’t know. So when you consider that, this really shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise. Still, there’s something about Slash’s willingness to lend himself to a performance like last night, all the while looking very apathetic and just “happy to be here,” as long as the lasting, visual image (the hat, the glasses, the guitar, the Jewfro) lives on. Maybe it’s because he’s so covered up and focused on his technique; he doesn’t actually have to look at the camera and face his shame. Well we all faced it last night, Saul Hudson. And it stung worse than Fergie’s face.

Sticking with the topics of “ads” and...

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 21:44:07 -0500

Sticking with the topics of “ads” and “subway,” I feel the need to address this safety tip from the MTA. I’m sure most of you that take the train have noticed this one.

Uh, do people really do this? Seriously, what’s the survival rate of straphanging on the outside of a train door as it speeds into a dark tunnel? I for one, have never seen this. And even if a few people have been crazy enough to attempt this stunt, does that really necessitate an entire ad campaign? It’s that serious of a concern? Nice to see what the MTA is allocating it’s much-debated funding on.

This is the billboard above my train station by work...

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 21:16:00 -0500

This is the billboard above my train station by work (interchanging with the clear, full ad). It’s currently occupied by an ad for the third installment in Martin Lawrence’s Big Momma franchise, “Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son.” I should add that this space was previously occupied by Jack Black’s “Gulliver’s Travels” a huge bomb over the holiday season. I’d say this billboard was cursed, but that would imply these movies needed to something other than “just existing” to suck.

Fox News would SUCK at the final round of Carmen Sandiego.

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 11:15:34 -0500

Fox News would SUCK at the final round of Carmen Sandiego. :

So from time to time, I will include things on this blog that aren’t pop culture related. Those posts will be deemed “Pop-free.” I also plan on posting stuff (reviews, thoughts, links, etc.) I actually LIKE about pop culture - yes it’s true - and that content will be deemed “Poop-free.” Here is a link I just saw on Facebook from one of my former bosses, about Fox New’s Middle East map FAIL, in which they mistaken Iraq as Egypt. It’s understandable; not like they’ve been covering the formerly mentioned country at all in the past ten years (FYI, the final round of the Carmen Sandiego TV game show had child contestants place flags on a giant, blank world map, after being told what country to find. It’s clear that those kids would have smoked Greta Van Susteren.)

Running Diary of Kourtney Kardashian on George Lopez

Wed, 02 Feb 2011 01:57:00 -0500

The above photo is actually from another episode. Tonight, it was just Kourtney.

Sooo, yeah. Not a big fan of the Kardashians. Let me rephrase that; I go out of my way to let people know how much I dislike, and simply can’t fathom the popularity of the Kardashians. (P.S., hate is a strong word people, and I will actually try to refrain from using it on this blog. Unless I write about Sarah Palin.)

Any who, Kourtney, the oldest and skinniest Kardashian sister, was flying solo on Lopez Tonight, and I figured it would be a good opportunity to write my first running diary for the blog. I should note that I’m steal-err, “borrowing” this concept from Bill Simmons, my biggest writing influence, although he uses it to document sporting events, with witty observations and opinions. My intent is a little more…malicious, but really, I was just curious to see what the Ringo of the Kardashians had to say with the spotlight just on her. Shockingly, the answer is - very little.

-Starts off with George Lopez (who I’ll spare this time) introducing Kourtney as “one of the golden tickets.” Not quite sure what that means. She’s introduced to Katy Perry’s “Firework,” and slowly but surely, the “Poop Culture Axis of Evil” is becoming aligned.

- The apex of the interview actually comes within the first minute or so, when Lopez asks Kourtney about her new show, “Kourtney and Kim Take New York,” and why people love it. Her response, “I think people love…[struggles to think why people would genuinely enjoy a show about her and Kim opening a store in New York], I dunno, like we really enjoy ourselves, and I think people can sense that.” I might as well just stop now.

-When discussing the recent controversy over sister Kim’s W magazine photo shoot (in which she gets upset about appearing nude, even though she clearly posed for the photos), Kourtney says, “It was a lot of drama, to get her to the point of being happy.” Translation - They needed a storyline for episode two of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.”

- Throughout the interview, the audience is constantly applauding and laughing at every word uttered by Kourtney, as if Obama or George Clooney was the guest. It was quite the contrary to my reactions - constantly shaking my head and thinking, why the fuck am I doing this.

-Kourtney’s take on the NYC subway system is a little different than all us frustrated commuters: She rode it only once before this new show and had an anxiety attack because the train was “too crowded;” on the show, she bought a “little, card like pass” with Kim (or MetroCard; I know, it’s not like it’s written on it or anything); and actually shared one fare with her sister, because times are tough for the Kardashians on their all-expense paid reality show. I will never bitch about the MTA again.

-A clip of the show, oh joy. Went something like this…Kourtney: (entering a Rolls-Royce with her boyfriend Scott) Wait, what is this? Scott: It’s a Rolls-Royce. Kourtney: Wait…did you buy this car? Scott: Um, yeah. (End scene) The Lopez crowd is now giving a standing ovation.

-I keep forgetting this chick has a kid. Is it just me, or is it pretty despicable for a mother to leave her infant child to shoot a reality TV show, which really serves no vital purpose? Shouldn’t mothers not want to miss a moment of their baby’s first year? Kourtney did take pride in the fact that she didn’t drag the little tike with her while filming, since it just wouldn’t have been right. You know what “would” have been right? Not doing a reality show when you have a baby.

-The crowd starts cheering Kourtney for still breastfeeding past 14 months, while I choke myself with my laptop cord.

-She then goes into an anecdote about 15-year-old kids in the “middle of nowhere” who are still breastfed because they have no food. “It’s like, you’re supposed to be mad at your mom, but then it’s like, I’m hungry!” Don’t worry, it’s almost done.

-George Lopez, who seems like a really nice guy, isn’t deflecting the stupidity as much as he’s fueling it. He’s the ideal interviewer for people like the Kardashians, and as such, will have a long, successful career.

-Interview ends with George Lopez saying “Everything you guys do is great,” referring to the Kardashian Klan. And by “everything” he means “nothing” and by “great” he means “meaningless.” Wait, that’s a double negative. OK Lopez. You win this round.

Even to Kings of Leon, Rock n' Roll is still (somewhat) about integrity

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 02:01:00 -0500

Here’s hoping South Park doesn’t waste any time deciding who to target in March’s season premiere.

Glee creator Ryan Murphy is a pretty sensitive dude. It’s the only way you can describe his recent tirade; calling musicians who refuse to lend their songs to his god awful excuse for a TV show…wait for it…child molesters.

OK, he didn’t actually say that. But he did say the musicians – Slash and Kings of Leon to be exact – were performing a disservice to today’s youth, by not licensing away their songs to a show that I and several other appreciators of music feel…butchers music. Not in Ryan Murphy’s eyes though. He views Glee as some sort of televised utopia of music education. As a musician, you’d be crazy to even consider passing on the opportunity to be a part of such a cultural phenomenon. To Murphy, Slash and Kings of Leon are “uneducated, quite stupid” and “self-centered assholes,” respectively.

Now I am in no way a Kings of Leon fan – I liked “Sex on Fire,” guilty, but agree that “Use Somebody” was so overplayed, to the point that it felt like musical water boarding. They’re viewed as talentless sellouts by most music aficionados, but put out the Top 40 radio staple that Murphy tends to feed off. (Literally. These songs have become his life supply.) I do think it’s pretty amusing that bloggers are pointing out the alleged irony; that a band who licenses its music to car commercials would turn down a show on Fox. Just a reminder, indie-rock bands are selling their tunes to commercials at an alarming rate, so please scratch that argument. The only difference is Ryan Murphy has no interest in asking Arcade Fire if his choir of pop culture cancer can cover “Ready to Start.” No, this is a man with an appeal only for the masses.

The most ironic thing I’ve taken out of this ridiculous controversy is that Murphy is coming off as an egomaniac; while the root of all his Glee success is based on the talent of others. The show is not crushing the ratings without its barrage of pop music cover songs – and this is not up for debate. Glee without Madonna and Britney Spears is no different than any other mediocre, poorly watched teen show. Jane Lynch (and god bless her, I think she’s hilarious) has been doing her shtick for a while now. I’m pretty sure there’s a reason she’s finally getting noticed for it, and it’s the least funny she’s ever been by far.

The controversy that has erupted out of the controversy, is Kings of Leon drummer Nathan Followill’s twitter response, in which he told the openly gay Murphy to “get a manicure” or “buy a bra” as ways to cope with his publicly displayed temper. Now everyone is calling Followill a raging homophobe. To me, that is incredibly unfair. Sure the comment came off as ignorant, but come on, I think we’ve heard enough rappers say “faggot” to be phased by something as juvenile as “buy a bra.” The truth is Murphy totally baited the guy with his initial attack, and the likely insecure Followill responded as most pissed-off people would. He wasn’t anti-gay as much as he was, well, really pissed off. But no, Murphy feasts at the opportunity to play the gay card, off a feud HE instigated by attacking the band’s integrity; especially a band already clinging to any strand of integrity it had left. A band Murphy DESPERATELY wanted on his show.

When the dust settles, and Kings of Leon is back to selling out Pepsi Centers, Glee will continue reaping the catalogues of the most accessible, radio friendly, hit music; as long as the respective artists care enough about the children to give it up. Because that’s all Ryan Murphy cares about; not about his ratings or Emmy awards. Or the fact that once he runs out of music to exploit and destroy, his show will be totally screwed. For a band like Kings of Leon though, constantly at odds with what the cool critics think, and what their millions of fans provide, it’s still about the music. Their music –as awful as one Pitchfork critic may think it is, and as vital as it is to Ryan Murphy’s current existence – is still their music. It’s one thing to lend it to a commercial, where the band’s actual songs remain intact. It’s another to have it rehashed in a way that will undoubtedly diminish its credibility to an all-time low. Kings of Leon wisely told Murphy no thanks to that. And he decided to exploit them, in a no-win situation for the band.

And by the way, it’s one thing to lash out at Kings of Leon – I will defend them only on my morals. But when you bring Slash into this, Murphy, you hack of a writer, and call him “stupid” for preventing “Paradise City” from being belted out by the nasally Lea Michelle, who you just love prancing around in short, underwear revealing skirts (it’s all about the kids right?); well sir, now you have really drawn my vitriol. Seriously man, stay the fuck away from Guns N’ Roses.

Hello.

Sun, 30 Jan 2011 16:10:00 -0500

So I’ve decided to make my triumphant return to blogging, after a nearly three-year hiatus. (R.I.P. thesportsjew.blogspot.com) I also decided to go a different route second time around. Any of you who know me well, know that I loathe what mainstream pop culture has become in these troubled times. I don’t know if it’s a growing reflection of our society, an overall lack of bright ideas, or just technological-induced laziness - or all of the above - but I find that if most people like something these days; I tend to hate it. And complain about it. A lot.

With that, welcome to Poop Culture. This blog will be an outlet for my highly critical (and hopefully comical) view on everything from pop music to reality television, to the bane of my existence that is the Kardashians. (Yes, you will probably never find another heterosexual male who hates them as much as me. With the exception of probably my twin brother.)

I will try to keep this thing updated with rants, mini-rants, links, photos, and maybe even some content that is off-topic from the blog’s main focus. I will also post about things I like in the realm of modern media, which I will note as being “poop-free.” It is time to begin the journey. See you all later.

(This guy was so ahead of his time.)